I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
