She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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