you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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