I accidentally had phone sex last night
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
