Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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