I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
