There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
