My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
