So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize