Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize