I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
