this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
