I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
