If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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