I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
