Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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