dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
