sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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