The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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