I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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