Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
