I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
