why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
