I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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