I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize