I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
