It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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