Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
