I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
