You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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