He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
