I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
