yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
