You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize