Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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