My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
