I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize