I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
