i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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