i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
please don't ironically join a cult
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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