Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
