I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
As shirtless as possible
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
