i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
