I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
