You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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