I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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