Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
