He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
