Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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