I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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