Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There r osticjed everywhere
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
