i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
