And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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