I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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