8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You made out with two different species that night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
