i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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