happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
