Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
