Screwed.edu
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Your topless pictures make me question reality
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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