How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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